Suffer Well
by Akane Arihyoshi
Summary: I saw your face in every single one of my dreams. And to think, I barely even knew your name. Mild AkuRoku, Roxas POV. Some Sora/Riku hints.


**Title:** Suffer Well

**Author:** Akane Arihyoshi

**Notes:** The beginning poem I found in a book by Lois Duncan, and I'm not sure if she wrote it, or someone else did, but internet searches have been inconclusive. The part at the end is the chorus of the song Suffer Well by Depeche Mode, where I got my title.

**Disclaimer: **No. I don't own it. You know why? Because I'd pronounce Marluxia's name right. Hey, by the way, did you know that Marluxia's name has the number 11 in it? Yeah, XI. The one syllable they don't pronounce. Irony, anyone?

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_I met myself the other day,In quiet mouth, in eyes of gray…_

It was a poem I read once, sitting in the library, curled up with a book of poetry in my lap, desperately hiding from Xemnas. I don't know what made me do it, but I closed that book, thinking hard about the words on the page--

'_I met myself the other day…'_

It seemed so…familiar. Like I could relate. I remember protesting in my head that my eyes were blue, not gray. I remember thinking, I remember…remembering…that my eyes were blue, but so were…his.

I had no idea who he was.

It was a face in my mind, blue eyes just like my own, but the hair was off, brown instead of yellow, and longer. He had my face, and at first I thought it was just an older me, but suddenly I knew that it wasn't. He smiled, and I felt as though…I should have recognized him. Like he was an old friend I'd forgotten about, which was ridiculous, as I'd only really known thirteen people in my entire life.

I must have been dreaming, though, because when I opened my eyes again, it was dark in the library. I pulled myself out of the chair, replaced my book, and retired to my room, but the poem was burned into my mind.

It wasn't until almost two months later that I actually remembered your name.

It was more random that time. I was on a mission with Demyx, listening to him chatter on about Zexion (they were honestly _so_dense sometimes) when suddenly I tripped and fell. Demyx stopped and chided me, but I wasn't listening. My head was scolding me all by itself.

'_Gosh, Sora. You're so clumsy sometimes.'_

I got back up, ignoring Demyx, and stepped through a portal back to the castle.

I think I might have scared Axel to death, bursting into his room like that, shouting "I remember!" at the top of my lungs. He certainly turned paler than I thought was possible. After he'd stopped hyperventilating, he regarded me with cautious eyes. "Just exactly _what _do you remember, Roxas?" he asked me.

I fell back onto his bed, staring the ceiling. "His name was Sora, wasn't it?" I asked. I saw him stiffen from the corner of my eye.

"Doesn't ring a bell," he lied, casually leaning back against the chair. I eyed him suspiciously.

"Bullshit."

He sighed. "Look, Roxas," he said at last. "Just…don't mention him again. You'll find that he's not a popular guy around here, okay? I can't tell you more than that, and I wish I could, but you'll just have to live without knowing."

I nodded, satisfied with this answer. At that point, I wasn't too worried. I hadn't known you before, and I didn't need you now. The only difference was that I knew your name. Not a big improvement.

A couple more months passed by. Axel and I…we fell in love. I know it sounds really stupid, really weird, really _impossible_, but we did, god damn it, and I wish I could tell you all about it, and make it make some sort of logical sense, but I don't have the time, or the strength.

It's only even relevant because of what I did to him.

Because those two months were also when the dreams started.

I saw your face in every single one of my dreams. Different situations, different places, different _memories_ every time. A dog, some sort of bird, that silver haired boy--he was in my dreams often, and you really loved him, didn't you?--, and that red haired girl. Tales of adventures, friendship, and such _love_, it was hard for me to handle. I'd wake up with tears in my eyes, a sob forming in my throat, because those dreams, all of them held such _longing_, such a pull for those two people, like they were a part of you that had been taken away. I'd wake up and wonder whether I was dreaming, or having a nightmare, and there were times I'd stay awake for days, just so I didn't have to feel it.

Axel was so worried. He heard me when I woke up screaming, saw when I had tears in my eyes from the memories, and hated that he couldn't do a thing about it. It was all we could do to keep it from Xemnas. He cared so much, really cared, and that was probably what made me bear it for so long. I wish he hadn't had to see that.

But do you know how I repaid him? How I thanked him for all those times he cared for me, when he kept me safe, comforted me, when he _loved_ me?

I got up and left.

Just left.

I did ask him to come with me. I told him that I didn't want to leave without him. I told him that I wished it didn't have to come down to this. I told him that I needed to know about you, and I wanted him to help me find you.

But you know, he knew what was going to happen to me. He knew that I would cease to be, that I would become a part of you, and he didn't want to see it happening. He didn't want to come along and encourage me screwing my life up. He didn't want to betray the Organization, the only family he ever had, and he didn't want me to go. He thought that just maybe, I would stay for him.

If nothing else, I might stay for him.

I didn't.

He didn't really even try to stop me. He did say goodbye, though. He followed me to the edge of our world. I walked with him in the rain. Either of us could have pulled up the corridors of darkness whenever we liked, but neither of us did. It was our last moments to really be together. After we stopped walking, he turned to me. His hand was clasping mine, and I couldn't step away.

"They'll send me after you," he said.

"I know," I murmured. He nodded, turning out to face the cliff we stood by. I saw his face illuminated in the lightning, and as cliché as it was, I couldn't bring myself to care. He turned back to me.

"And there's nothing I can say that will make you feel like staying here?" he asked, watching my face carefully. I thought about it and shook my head.

"Absolutely nothing," I clarified, leaning against him. He nodded.

"I didn't really think there would be."

I think we stood there for over an hour, in the middle of the night, soaking wet from the rain, and loving every second. He never let go of me, not for a second. We didn't say a word, because we didn't need to. He knew what I was thinking, and vice versa. Both of us were just concentrated on the other, giving it our full attention, because prolonging the inevitable is grueling work. Eventually, though, we realized that it was time.

"Well," he said carefully, "I guess it's time to say goodbye. Bon voyage, and all that."

He never was very good at this kind of thing.

I nodded. Without saying a word, I kissed him on the cheek and left through a portal.

Thus began my search for you. It consumed me until I had nothing left. This time, when I had those dreams, I was alone, and that only made the search more important. I had to find you, had to know where you were, so that I could make it all end. I looked everywhere, found clues, notes, anything that led to you.

There were thousands of places you could be. I nearly drove myself to madness. It was too much, and I couldn't handle it on my own.

You know, I was just about to give up when I finally met him.

That silver haired boy from the dreams.

He wore a cloak like the one I used to wear, black and long, hood up to cover his face at first. When I first came across him, I froze. I was so sure it was one of them, the Organization, having finally found me. Then I watched him take his hood off, and I realized why he hadn't seen me.

He had on a blindfold, right over his eyes. And yet, he was looking right at me.

"Sora," he breathed, and moved towards me. I took a step back.

"I'm not Sora," I said carefully. He nodded.

"You're Roxas."

"You're Riku," I countered. He smiled.

"So you do remember me. I wondered."

That's all we managed to say, before he pulled out a keyblade and swung at me. The resulting fight was fantastic, and I think, in the end, I was once a bit better than he was, but my obsession had weakened me greatly, and I soon fell.

The next thing I remember, I was in Twilight Town. I had a normal life, and then I didn't, because Axel had finally found me.

And then, suddenly, I was you.

You were me.

We were you.

And now, my only wish is to go back. To go back in time and listen to Axel when he told me why I should stay, go back and never have left. I thought you were my savior, I thought you were the answer to everything.

As it turns out, you were an answer. But you weren't the only one.

Axel could have saved me. He could have been the answer, if I had let him. And I, in my foolishness, completely let go of him, in favor of…

…you.

You, my answer, my downfall. And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

_I just hang on,_

_Suffer well._

_Sometimes it's hard,_

_It's hard to tell._

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A/N: So...I thought it ended rather abruptly. Probably not just me, either. But it ends where it ends...nothing I can really do about it. Besides that, I really like it. It's been an idea bouncing around in my head for a while, and it's nice to finally have it out on paper. Metaphorically. But whatever. So...

As always, tell me what you think. (Yes Razori, you **_have to_** leave me a review.) (Did I emphasize that enough?)

Akane


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